My story.

It's 5.52 am but I don't know that until I look at the clock; it's pitch dark outside. It is the middle of November and I would normally have over an hour's sleep ahead of me. But this morning mum has woken me early, muttering something about giving dad a hug or something ... I don't quite catch it as I wake drowsily from my deep slumber. But I dutifully fold myself out of bed and stumble down the stairs after her, apologising to her that she is awake at this hour. I know how exhausted she is being the main breadwinner, looking after me, worrying about my sisters at university and caring for a cancer-riddled husband. I have absolutely no idea that metres away my wise, charismatic, overcome-anything-with-calm-sophistication dad is crossing the divide between this life and the next.

As I walk into the living room I see him, sitting in his favourite chair. I think he's sleeping until my eyes cross the floor to my sister, silently rocking back and forth in prayer, her cheeks streaming with tears. The next few hours are a blur. Family arriving closely followed by the sun, prayers, more family, food, "why is everyone in here, who's sitting with dad?", hours passing and still no ambulance. At some point someone says "Jehaan, would you like to go to school?". I read between the lines and build a cover story about needing to be at school all day and evening for the open day presentations. Not wanting to burden anyone with my presence I unquestioningly will my legs to carry me upstairs and into my uniform.

It seems like the whole day has gone by already when I arrive in the school office accompanied by an aunt and uncle. I hear laughter and chatter, a sea of bodies bustling through busy corridors, blissfully enjoying morning break time. Unaware that for one small girl, time has now lost its meaning. There are hushed voices, a hug from the headmistress though I am too numb to feel it. More hushed voices as someone whisks me off to French class a few minutes before everyone else arrives. I am surrounded by so many and yet I am alone. I sit, I listen, I write, I hear a bell, I move to my next lesson, I sit, I write, I hear a bell, the day continues and I continue. After all, we knew this day would come. Didn't we?

Fast forward 20 years and I am alone again. This time at home, my home that I have made for myself, with my husband and beautiful baby boy. He is getting bigger, almost a year old now and while things are easier than they were at the start, something feels not quite right. He is perfect; a glint in his eye when he smiles that lights up the room, a laugh that melts even the coldest of hearts and a generosity that puts grownups to shame. And yet there is an emptiness.

I have everything I set out to have.

A good job, a husband, a child, a home. Isn't that every item on the tick-list so far?

This is the point when something shifts and the haze I have been living in for years starts to clear. When I realise that the turmoil I feel is not because of anything outside. It is because I have lost touch with who I am inside. Even that 12 year old me, walking downstairs to say goodbye to her father was so aware of others' needs and expectations that she had already lost sight of her own and I have spent the next two decades perfecting that art, disconnecting with what I want and feel.  But now, having a baby has changed my career trajectory, my relationship with my husband, our families, my friends. No area of life is untouched and there is nothing to distract me from the crater where my sense of SELF should be. I want more and yet, who am I to want more? Don't I already have so much I don't deserve?

That was me 5 years ago when my search began. It took some time but I built up my confidence slowly but surely, surrounding myself with supportive energy and trying for the first time to do something for myself each week. When I felt strong enough to handle what I might find, I reached out for some help in the form of counselling and coaching. I realised within a few weeks that there was so much about myself I didn't know. I always thought I was very reflective but it turns out you can only reflect on what you can see and there was so much I had never seen before. The negative self-talk that I had been oblivious to all these years but that had successfully talked me out of being my best self. The inner being that proudly owned every criticism, judgement and suggestion of flaw like a badge of honour, yet successfully deflected every compliment and explained away achievements, attributing them to luck instead of my hard work and grit. I realised my breakthrough and awakening was only the beginning of understanding how far I still had to go.

Reconnecting with myself has enhanced all the other relationships in my life; I was able to resolve issues within my marriage by understanding what was happening for both of us in this new dynamic of parenthood. Having my second child brought many of the same challenges as the first but I have been able to adapt and enjoy my baby, cherishing the special moments because I understand how to meet my needs as well as hers. I am able to better understand my family and the role that I play within that group; how that informs the role I play in my friendship circles too. I have been able to change career and find happiness and fulfilment by acknowledging my strengths and giving myself permission to have desires. Best of all, my world view has shifted, freeing me from the burden of judgement and expectation. I am no longer a victim of circumstance, nor the master controller of everything. I am simply in sync with the world as it is, seeking a perpetual state of balance.

All of this enables me to bring the best of myself to my everyday and to my family and it is my mission to make that a reality for others too. By working through and exploring their shadows I help individuals to find the light with their loved ones. For some this means examining daily challenges to manage time pressures and re-evaluating priorities. For others this is about managing interactions with a partner, co-parent or family members in order to maintain healthy relationships and enhance the joy of family time. We all have our stories, beliefs and expectations which inform how we show up in the world; being aware of them is the key to understanding ourselves and building the life we dream of.

 I am grateful for the good things, present for life's joys, proud of my achievements and every day I practise these things.

I would love to help you practise too.