How do you love someone you don’t really know?

“𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝘀𝗼 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗱𝗼 𝗼𝗿 𝗻𝗼𝘁.”

This was the advice given to me by my coach some time back when I described how deep rooted my need for external validation was. It was good advice too, I just had no idea back then how to make that happen.

Like many, particularly those of us whose cultural heritage is different to that of the country we live in, there has always been a lot of emphasis on

🎈assimilating as much as possible,

🎈on doing well academically or professionally,

🎈on holding true to the traditions and values of our elders

There is nothing wrong with any of these aspirations but put them all together and we're left growing up trying (many times unsuccessfully) to straddle two or more sets of values, standards, and social norms among other things.

Translation: Look to those around you and they'll let you know if you're doing it right. This is known as external validation; looking for approval and acceptance from those around you.

Growing up it became increasingly important for me to be liked, often at the expense of my own opinion.

🍂 Sometimes that looked like keeping my mouth shut when I didn't completely agree but didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

🍂 Sometimes it looked like making out there was just some confusion or even taking the blame when I knew the mistake wasn't mine to own.

🍂 Sometimes it looked like making compromises or giving up on what I wanted/needed just to keep the peace.

And it wasn't confined to one part of my life either. What goes on in one area of our lives shows up everywhere. I did it at work to protect the (sometimes far too fragile) egos of my (often male) colleagues. I did it at home to stay out of the way and be good. I did it with my friends because in the hierarchy of objectives, being liked was far more important than being accepted for who I was and of course I was petrified that if I dared to disagree with anyone at any point I would be rejected.

And so it came to pass that not only did I not love myself very much as an adult but I had lost sight of who 'myself' actually was. Oh, the irony of fearing rejection from others when one has basically neglected to accept or acknowledge oneself.

There's a deep freedom to discovering the me that I never realised I had lost before, because here's the thing. She's pretty BADASS!

I'll stop referring to myself in the third person now because let's be honest, it just weird (and a little bit creepy) but the best thing about learning who I am was the realisation that I am pretty fluid.

 We all are.

We can accept who we are and show ourselves love. But even more than that, we can change the things don't like. (Note; you can only change them if and when you actually see them! See point above regarding journey of self-discovery). We are dynamic, we're adaptable, we are resilient and if we're not as resilient as we'd like we can learn to be.

Somehow as adults we think we need to have it all figured out. Like there's a buzzer that sounds at X years old and a voice booms on the loudspeaker of life "That's it folks, time's up now, you need have your shit permanently together from this moment on!" Well guess what? There's no buzzer, no loudspeaker and as far as I'm concerned the only one who can call time is the Higher Power, whatever name you give the Almighty.

All those habits of the past, of keeping the peace and being convenient to others, added up to making myself small. And let's be clear, no one made me do it. I was encouraged to behave well as a child but I am the one as an adult to have kept myself small. I own my part in my story but more than that, I forgive myself for it. And in forgiving myself I set myself free to become something else. Someone else.

Someone who I love just fine, without requiring validation of others.

Who's up for joining me?